Book Summary: Never Split The Difference
Overview
Negotiation matters in all aspects of life and this book has changed the way I approach communication and relationships. The ability to communicate and extract information, while creating a relationship and good feeling between all parties is an incredibly important skill with many applications made very clear throughout this book. While Chris Voss writes from the perspective of a hostage negotiator, he is permanently linking his experiences into day-to-day life, demonstrating the role of these skills in activities such as asking for a raise, negotiating the price on a car, achieving a promotion at work, and getting a response from a cold email - to name a few. Voss provides an entirely new perspective on communication that I had in no way considered before, and his insights have changed the way I communicate.
Never Split the Difference has so much to offer, having already read the book twice I can confirm it has enough information for you to read over and over again. There is so much to learn from Chris, and the overall impact and practicality is undeniable. This book opened my eyes to the world of negotiation, and the power you hold with the way you communicate. Immediately after reading this book, I found myself employing negotiation tactics in day-to-day life and that’s where the power of this book lies, the limitless daily utility. There is a clear vision here, and while it will take time to learn, the potential of Voss’s negotiation knowledge is worth the time invested.
Key Takeaways
I’m going to start with this section so you can quickly learn something and know if this book might be for you. There are six aspects to this book I rapidly took onboard and found to be the most important.
Listening is the most important skill in negotiation. Most of us spend our time thinking of the next thing to say and not deeply listening to our counterpart. Often people just want to be understood and employing tactical empathy and genuinely listening can work magic.
Using calibrated questions. This aspect involves using your partners brain for your benefit. Specifically using questions like ‘How am I supposed to do that?’ and ‘What about this doesn’t work for you?’ will influence them to solve problems for you.
Mirroring. Just repeating back the last three words of what someone says (followed by silence) will usually cause them to continue speaking, revealing more information than they otherwise would.
Use ‘No’ to your advantage. If you can trigger your counterpart to say ‘no’ it gives them a sense of control. Often utilising questions that spark a ‘no’ response will get people to engage and give them the sense that they are being listened to.
You can make low offers to anchor their reality. When negotiating a number, you can give a very low offer to anchor their expectations, before negotiating up to the number you want in the first place. Beware of this being used on you!
The Black Swan as Voss calls it is the hidden information that could entirely change the outcome of your negotiation. There are always anterior motives and drivers behind what a person does and understanding these are crucial in negotiation.
There is so much more to this book, particularly as you build your skills you can develop the subtleties of negotiation Voss discusses extensively. These six points are just what I have found to be the most immediately impactful, and that I have been trying to implement in my life.
Negotiation Skills
This is a bulleted summary of my personal notes. Both times I read this book I wrote down all the information I found to be most useful, hopefully giving you a digestible way to learn some new communication skills and actionable takeaways.
Preparation
Approach negotiation as a discovery process, not an argument
Smile to maintain a positive frame of mind and mental agility
Be prepared to walk away if no deal is better than a bad deal
List the worst things the other party could say about you to remove their 'sting'
Research and understand the emotional drivers behind the other party's decisions
Active Listening
Focus solely on your counterpart, quieting the voices in your head
Use mirroring: repeat the last 3 words they said with an inquisitive tone
Follow mirroring with at least 4 seconds of silence
Watch for incongruence between words, tone of voice, and body language
Be alert to potential lies: more words and third-person pronouns can be indicators
Communication Techniques
Speak slowly and calmly, using a late-night FM DJ voice
Use a happy/playful tone as your go-to voice
Employ tactical empathy: put yourself in the other's shoes
Label emotions using phrases like "It seems like..." or "It sounds like..."
Don't speak immediately after labelling an emotion
Use "It" instead of "I" when labeling to avoid raising guards
Push for "No" answers to give the other party a sense of control
Aim for "That's right" responses, which are more powerful than "Yes"
Questioning Strategies
Use calibrated questions starting with "How" or "What" to shape the negotiation
Avoid "Why" questions as they can spark defensiveness
Ask "How am I supposed to do that?" when faced with difficult requests
Use "How will we know we're on track?" and "How will we address things if we're off track?" for implementation plans
Dealing with Difficult Situations
Address emotions to diffuse them
Force out a "No" by asking blatantly wrong questions if necessary
Treat deadlines as flexible and often arbitrary
Use the counterpart's deadline as leverage
Avoid using the word "fair" as it can be emotionally charged
Salary Negotiations
Let the counterpart go first, but be prepared for low-ball offers
Use a range with your ideal pay at the bottom
Pivot to non-monetary benefits after salary discussion
Use odd numbers to suggest thoughtful calculation
Ask "What does it take to be successful here?" to gain a mentor
Humans are primed to be ‘loss averse’ over potential gain, so always be ready to walk away
Closing the Deal
Summarize until you get a "That's right" response
Know the three types of "Yes": Commitment, Confirmation, and Counterfeit
Ensure the counterpart feels it's their idea or plan
Consider the influence of "Level 2" players who can affect the deal
Use your name to create a personal connection (e.g., "What's the Jake discount?")
Self-Control and Attitude
Regulate your emotions to better control the negotiation
Avoid trying to force the other party to admit you're right
Remember: the counterpart is not the enemy, the unsolved issue is the problem
Maintain a bond and never make an enemy
Be pleasantly persistent, especially on non-salary terms
Advanced Techniques
Look for "Black Swans" - unknown pieces of information that can change everything
Identify your negotiation style (Accommodator, Assertive, or Analyst) and adapt
Recognize and adapt to the counterpart's negotiation style
Use strategic anger sparingly and aimed at the proposal, not the person
In-Depth Chapter Summaries and Discussions
I’ll be going a little more in-depth into each chapter of the book, summarising and discussing my takeaways from each. This should give the vast majority of the information in the book, minus what I’ve missed and all the anecdotes (read the book for that!).
Be A Mirror
“Good negotiators, going in, know they have to be ready for possible surprises; great negotiators aim to use their skills to reveal the surprises they are certain exist.”
We as humans go into any situation with assumptions, but as a negotiator it is important to put these aside and go into a discussion with open mind. Our expectations can warp our reality and show us a flawed version of the situation.
Voss also discusses the importance of slowing down a negotiation. If you hurry your partner may not feel heard or valued, and this rapidly breaks down the trust and rapport between negotiator and counterpart. If you slow down a process, you also calm it down.
The tone of your voice is really important. Voss mentions three ‘voices’ you can utilise to your advantage: the ‘late-night FM DJ voice,’ the playful/positive voice, and the assertive voice. The assertive voice is ‘like slapping them in the face while you’re trying to make progress’ so only use for a desired effect. The positive playful voice should be your go-to as it puts people in a positive frame of mind more conducive to a beneficial outcome. The late-night voice with a downwards inflection is great when you want to convey that you’re in control.
Finally, mirroring (or imitating) the other person builds rapport and trust - both vital in negotiation and life. We are draw to what’s familiar and repeating back someone’s words to them tells them you’re listening. By repeating the last 1-3 critical words of what someone says, you can insinuate similarity and encourage the other side to bond with you.
Don’t Feel Their Pain, Label It
This chapter is all about using ‘tactical empathy.’ The ability to identify what your counterpart is feeling in the moment and verbalise it, can totally diffuse a situation. If you understand what is behind their feelings, you increase your influence in the moments that follow. You’re unlikely to convince anyone to your point of view, if you don’t understand theirs.
Going one step further, if you identify and then label their emotions, it validates your counterparts’ emotions. Once you’ve spotted an emotion you can say one of the following:
It seems like….
It sounds like….
It looks like…
Avoiding the use of ‘I’ here as that gets peoples guard up and can seem accusatory. The last rule is that once throwing out one of these labels - don’t follow up. Let the silence be and allow the other person to expand. Labelling can start to alter the inner voice of your counterpart by Neutralising the negative and reinforcing the positive.
An accusation audit is another useful exercise to head off negative dynamics before they take root. Say what’s going to be bad in advance to lower their expectations, it means everything following will be a pleasant surprise.
“Remember you’re dealing with a person that wants to be appreciated and understood. So, use labels to encourage positive perception and dynamics.”
Beware ‘Yes’ Master ‘No’
This chapter explores the unintelligible emotional truths that often underlie intelligible exchanges. The word ‘no’ seemingly so simple and direct can be a gateway to ‘getting to yes.’ No can be the start of a negotiation not the end, once you can trigger your counterpart to say no they will then be more open to listening to what you’ve got to say. The word no is rarely a definitive answer after considering all the options available to them, merely a way to keep the status quo. Inviting your opponent to say no has the power to bring down barriers and allow for beneficial communication. When you hear no train yourself to hear one of the following:
I am not yet ready to agree…
You are making me feel uncomfortable…
I do not understand…
I don’t think I can afford it…
I want something else…
I need more information…
I want to talk it over with someone else…
Then after pausing, ask solution-based questions such as What about this doesn’t work for you? What would you need to make it work? It seems like there’s something here that bothers you.
When you do hear yet it can be one of three: Counterfeit, Confirmation, and Commitment with the latter being the only one of value as it’s a true agreement that leads to action.
“Whether you call it ‘Buy-in’ or ‘Engagement’ or something else, good negotiators know that their job isn’t to put on a great performance but to gentry guide their counterpart to discover their goal as his own.”
If you tell someone how to fix their problems, you are only serving your own ego. You must guide the negotiation in a way that your opposition ‘discovers’ their own answers through your guidance (even if you knew the answer in the first place. They must feel equally if not solely responsible for the connection and new ideas they have.
So, coming back to no, it gives the opportunity to satisfy two primal urges to feel safe and in control, and if you satisfy both your sorted. Being a nice person gets you no-where, instead seek a no response to build feelings of safety, security and control, building all important rapport. If you gun for yes of the bat your counterpart may feel defensive or wary, and one great example is asking for someone’s time; instead of asking ‘Do you have a few minutes to talk?’ ask ‘Is now a bad time to talk?’ Utilising no in this context can reaffirm authority and may open the discussion up to negotiation.
“Every ‘No’ gets me closer to a ‘Yes’”
Furthermore, you almost have to force the word ‘no’ out their mouth. Having your counterpart feel as if they can say no is useless if they don’t actually say it. One way to achieve this is to mislabel one of their desires or talk about what they don’t want. Note if you cannot force a no it’s often a sign they are indecisive or confused aka avoid avoid avoid.
Finally, a way to guarantee an email response means opening with a ‘No’ question. I.e. Have you given up on this project? Playing on a human’s natural aversion to loss is the best form of no question.
“That’s death for a good negotiator, who gains their power by understanding their counterpart’s situation and extracting information about their counterpart’s desires and needs. Extracting that information means getting the other party to feel safe and in control. And while it may sound contradictory the way to get there is by getting the other party to disagree, to draw their own boundaries, to define their desires as a function of what they do not want.”
Trigger The Two Words That Immediately Transform Any Negotiation
This chapter focusses on the Behavioural Change Stairway Model which proposes five stages to be active listening, empathy, rapport, influence, and behavioural change, as ultimately, we’re trying to ignite action in our counterpart. So how do we cause gut wrenching behavioural change in someone? Spark the two words ‘That’s right.’
One way to trigger this subtle epiphany is with a summary. See the following active listening arsenal:
Effective pauses Minimal encouragers “yes” “uh-huh” etc demonstrate full attention Mirror → listen → repeat back Label → name feelings Paraphrase → repeat back own words → powerfully show understanding Summarise (paraphrase and labels) → desperately looking for a ‘that’s right’
Effective pauses…
Minimal encouragers… simple yes, ok, uh-huh demonstrate full attention
Mirror → Listen → Repeat Back…
Labelling… give feelings a name
Paraphrase… show you really do understand
Summarise… rearticulate meaning and acknowledge amotions (paraphrase + label = summary) desperately looking for a ‘That’s right’
These steps highlight the importance of truly understanding the position of your opponent, and then repeating back what they want so they feel understood. If you understand them it seems to be relatively easy to trigger a ‘That’s right,’ the difficulty comes in delving into the thoughts and feelings.
“The moment you’ve convinced someone that you truly understand her dreams and feelings, mental and behavioural change becomes possible, and the foundation for a breakthrough has been laid.”
Bend Their Reality
Making time your ally is a crucial discussion point here. The passage of time and a deadline are the screw that pressures every deal to a conclusion - take advantage. One example is car dealers whose transactions are assessed at the end of a month are more likely to give you a good deal at that time. If you understand that a negotiator can use their opponent’s deadline to gain leverage, it is a natural leap to assume keeping your own deadline a secret is always a good thing. The key consideration is both sides want a deal, so if one side walks away with nothing it’s over for the other too. One final point is that deadlines are rarely set-in-stone and often arbitrary, something else you can use to your advantage.
The second aspect of this chapter if around ‘fairness’ and how to use it. Humans have an irrational reaction to unfairness that extends to all aspects of life. If your opposition uses ‘fair’ it’s a strategy for them to exploit and put you on the defensive. Respond by mirroring and asking them to explain how you’re mistreating them.
There are many emotional drivers behind any negotiation and if you can understand those that fuel a decision, you can sell a vision or story that leaves your proposal as the perfect solution. You want to sell an emotional outcome.
So how do we bend our opponent’s reality - persuade them that they have something concrete to lose if they fail.
Anchor their emotions - start with an accusation audit to they are aware of their fears and are primed for loss aversion.
Let the other guy go first… most of the time - you don’t understand the landscape and don’t want to offer lower than they were willing to pay, just be ready to field a low offer.
Establish a range - going first rarely helps, but there is one way to seem to make an offer all while bending their reality. Make sure that the low number is what you actually want.
Pivot to nonmonetary terms - don’t get stuck in a series of rigid positions defined by emotion and pride. Offer things of little importance to you or ask for things of little importance to them.
When you do talk numbers, use odd ones - make it seem like they are squeezing you for every penny and you calculate a really odd number.
Surprise with a gift - introduce reciprocity, people feel obliged to pay off debts of kindness.
The final important aspect of this chapter discusses how to negotiate a better salary.
Be persistent on non-salary terms…
Salary terms without success terms are Russian roulette…
Spark their interest in your success and gain an unofficial mentor…
What these are trying to achieve are that by employing pleasant persistence will build emotional anchoring creating empathy with your boss and building the right environment for constructive discussion. You may also discover the full range of their options. Then by defining metrics for success and for your next raise you build positive feeling and defining success in relation to your boss’s supervision. Finally, considering what you’re doing here, you need to think what the other side is really buying. You can sell yourself as a flesh-and-blood argument for their importance and success. If you’ve bent their reality to include you as their ambassador, they’ll have a stake in your success. Ask: what does it take to be successful here?
“The key issue here is if someone gives you guidance, they will watch to see if you follow their advice. They will have a personal stake in seeing you succeed. You’ve just recruited your first unofficial mentor.”
Create The Illusion Of Control
Calibrated Questions
What about this is important to you?
How can I help to make this better for us?
How would you like me to proceed?
What is it that brought us into this situation?
How can we solve this problem?
What are we trying to accomplish here?
How am I supposed to do that?
What do these all have in common? They all use How or What. Why is accusatory (use in rare cases), when and who only encourage short & simple answers. The intention with these is to use your counterpart’s brain to solve your problems. They also take the aggression out of a confrontational statement allowing you to disagree without disagreeing.
The basic principle is that they must be open ended questions. The implications being that you want what the other guy wants but need his intelligence to overcome the problem. Really appeals to aggressive or egotistical counterparts.
SELF-CONTROL - so so so important in a negotiation is being able to bite your tongue. If you can’t pause and control your emotions you’re doomed to fail. When you’re attacked, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions. Reply with a calibrated Q instead.
Guarantee Execution
Negotiating isn’t just about getting to an agreement; it’s about getting to one that can be implemented and making sure that happens. ‘Yes’ is nothing without ‘how’ hence calibrated questions are a great tactic for buying time and putting pressure on your opposition to find you answers. How questions are able to shape the negotiating environment, but you must know where you want the conversation to go.
How questions are a gentle way of saying no when asked with the correct tone of voice. The best are some form of ‘How am I supposed to do that?’ delivered in a tone asking for assistance (not accusing them of something!). Negotiation is sometimes referred to as the art of letting someone else have your way, and questions like this enforce your opposition to see your struggles and empathise - almost a form of enforced empathy.
As well as saying no, how questions force your counterpart to create an implementation strategy, something we’ve already discussed as being key. As they’ll see it as their strategy, they’ll be much more invested in implementation and outcome, however there are two further questions that can be used to ensure they feel the ideas are theirs. If you ever hear an ‘I’ll try’ think of Yoda (Do or do not, there is no try) and continue asking how questions until a plan is in place.
How will we know we’re on track?
How will we address things if we’re off track?
“Let the other side feel victory. Let them think it was their idea. Subsume your ego. Remember: ‘Yes’ is nothing without ‘How’ so keep asking how and succeed.”
Level II players are the people pulling the strings behind the scenes. You may not see them but they’re always there with the ability to bomb any negotiation. If you can understand whose hands are tied by who and what their motives are you have a much greater shot at success. Beware of the entire negotiation space and potential deal killers.
Spot A Lie
The 7-38-55 rule is all about picking up on non-verbal cues that can tell you someone’s true feelings where 7% of a message is based on words, 38% on tone, and 55% body language. The Rule of Three is a tactic for identifying a lie or false truth. If you can get someone to agree to the same thing three times in a conversation it’s very likely to be true, it’s supposed to be very hard to repeatedly lie and fake conviction. You can do this by varying your tactics i.e. No.1 getting them to agree in the first place, No.2 label or summarise to get a ‘That’s right’, No.3 could be a calibrated Q that requires them to explain their implementation. People always have tells when they lie, and the most obvious can be the overuse of words. Talking too much is a big giveaway, and avoiding the use of personal pronouns (so keeping their distance from the responsibility) usually means they’re more important.
The Jake discount plays off the fact that people like the connection that comes when you say someone’s name, but they may hear it too often. Instead use your own name and ask for the ‘Jake discount’ for humour and rapport.
The section of this chapter discusses getting your opponent to bid against themself. The continued use of ‘How can I do that’ Q’s is a way of saying no to an offer without shutting down the discussion and can often sound like a counterbid. Before you know it, you may not have to make a single offer of your own.
Bargain Hard
This chapter talks about the three negotiation styles people have and how you can adapt your approach to each: Analysts, Accommodators, & Assertives. Each group sees the passage of time differently [time = preparation, time = relationship, time = money] and silence [time to think, anger, opportunity to talk]. Each requires its own approach and whether your counterpart is methodical and diligent, cares about the relationship, or wants to get things done you have to tailor your approach - it can be very easy to piss off someone if they are a different style to you. Don’t think you’re normal and treat people the way they need to be treated, not how you want to be treated.
To find out more about your negotiation style there is a free quiz at Negotiation and Leadership Resources | The Black Swan Group under the assessment tab. Upon completion you’ll also get a PDF on the three styles and how to approach each.
When bargaining you have to be ready to take a punch, and when hit you can pivot to terms i.e. let’s put the price aside for a moment and talk about what would make this a good deal, or what else would you be able to offer to make that a good price for me? If they’re pushing for you to go first wiggle out of their grasp by alluding to an incredibly high number i.e. other people in the industry charge x.
Strategies for punching back
Delivering threats with poise (not anger) confidence and control are great tools. Something like “I’m sorry that just doesn’t work for me,” can work well. Normally using ‘Why’ questions will make someone defensive. I actually know this all too well as some of my family ask “Why!” about everything I do, and it instantly puts me on edge. Instead, the only scenario to use why is for them to defend your position i.e. Why would you do business with me? Why would you change from your existing supplier? So asking in a way that they will defend the position that favours you. Using ‘I’ can be a way to draw attention to you. Questions like “I’m sorry that doesn’t work for me” and “I feel ___ when you ___ because ___” but be careful to use it in a level tone that isn’t inflammatory.
It’s important to note here that all of those should be used in the context of ‘tough love’ as you are trying to beat the problem, not the other person. Focus on the issue and never create an enemy.
“Taking a positive, constructive approach to a conflict involves understanding that the bond is fundamental to any resolution. Never create an enemy.”
The Ackerman model - An approach for bargaining and negotiating price:
Set your target price (your goal)
Set your first offer at 65% of your target price
Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (85, 95, 100%) sparingly
Use empathy and diff ways of saying no to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer
Use precise nonround numbers like … £37 873 … giving credibility and weight to final amount
On final amount throw in nonmonetary item to show I’m at my limit
The theory behind this is it incorporates reciprocity, extreme anchors, and loss aversion. By the time you get to your final offer they should feel like they’ve squeezed you for every last drop.
The final thing to mention with this chapter is you must prepare. All of this relies on you being ready to field a punch, hit back without anger, and with a full Ackerman plan in place.
Find The Black Swan
This is the chapter that Voss argues is the most important of all. A ‘Black Swan’ refers to finding the information you don’t know you don’t know. There are always ulterior motives to a negotiation and you need to find them, and use them as leverage. You must never assume you know the whole story, and breaking free from your expectations opens up the field. Black Swans multiply your leverage. There are three types of leverage; positive (giving something someone wants), negative (threat of taking something away or hurting someone), and nominative (using moral grounds). With negative leverage, be very careful not to make a direct threat as this can be like a nuclear bomb to the relationship you’ve build. Instead play on their loss aversion with questions like; It seems like you strongly value the fact that you’ve always paid on time or It seems like you don’t care what position you are leaving me in.
“Find leverage in the predictable unpredictability.”
The essence of this chapter is changing your mindset. You need to open your thoughts to more nuanced and intuitive ways of thinking to discover the unknown unknowns. Whoever is able to discover, adapt to, and exploit the truth will come out on top. Don’t look to verify what you expect. It’s important to note that Black Swans aren’t necessarily close guarded secrets, what seems obvious to one party could be a complete mystery to the other.
“What you don’t know can kill you, or your deal.”
As part of this, it’s important to understand your partners worldview. Voss refers to this as ‘religion’ but the principle extends far beyond faith. If you can understand how your counterpart sees the world, and what makes them tick, you can talk in their language and show your similarities. People always feel like they have a better relationship if there are cultural similarities between you, so find them. It could be as simple as being alumni from the same university, or playing the same sport, and finding these similarities can make your counterpart more likely to concede. In addition, the second at which you think they are being ‘crazy’ is often the best time to discover their hidden thoughts and desires. There are three reasons why your partner might appear crazy:
They are ill informed… find out what they don’t know and supply that information
They are constrained… find out the other players forcing their hand
They have other interests… find their needs and desires that you don’t know
Finally, get face to face. It’s simply impossible to employ all the techniques we’ve learnt through email or message. They have far too much time to compose themselves before replying to reveal the key information we need. You’ll also miss the non-verbal cues through tone and body language, very important to understanding your partner. It’s important to review and go over any negotiation, as you will always miss out on clues the first-time round. Furthermore, when face-to-face you can observe the unguarded moments that often reveal the most. People will rarely reveal hidden info in a formal setting, but the minutes before and after a meeting can be pivotal in finding unknown unknowns.
Conclusion
If I was to take an overall message from this book, it would be to listen. You should focus all of your effort on understanding your partner and where they are coming from. You can never expect to achieve the best outcome if you see you partner as the enemy, instead understand what they want to achieve and work together to beat the problem. Embrace negotiation in life rather than avoiding the uncomfortable nature of conflict and see all the relationships in your life improve. This book supplies all the tools and tactics necessary to treat people how they need to be treated, and to achieve success within all life's conflicts.
Resources
Never Split The Difference, Chris Voss
Negotiation and Leadership Resources | The Black Swan Group website
